We often say, in Communication Dojo workshops, that 90% of Nonviolent Communication is contained within the practice we call "Self-Connection." 

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Another way of saying this is that if we want to communicate more skillfully and effectively with another person, it's important that we are mindful about how we think about ourselves and the other person, during the periods between our conversations. 

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If we spend out time between conversations thinking in circles about how right we are, and how wrong the other person is, or vice-versa, then that's the kind of thinking, and communication, we'll bring into the next conversation. ​

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"Never give anyone the power to make you submit or rebel."

 ~ Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D.

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If we spend our time between conversations convincing ourselves of our "rightness," the next conversation is likely to be a "rebellion" i.e. we are likely to fight against the other person with the sense that we have "right on our side."

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If we spend our time between conversations convincing ourselves of our "wrongness," the next conversation is likely to be a "submission" in which we give up on our own needs.

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There's a third option, which is "Self-Connection Practice." 

 

Self-Connection practice allows us to start wherever we are, even if we're angry or sad or confused, even if we're thinking in lots of right/wrong, good/bad, judgment or self-judgment, blame or self-blame, criticism or self-criticism, shoulds, or demands. Every one of these thoughts is trying to tell us about what's important to us, and self-connection practice helps us understand the message underneath the thoughts.

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Instead of getting stuck in the whirlwind of these thoughts, we can take any one of the thoughts as a starting point for Self-Connection practice, which means we focus or refocus on: 

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• Our own humanity

• The humanity of the other person

• The actions we believe would better meet our needs and those of the other person - actions we can take individually, or the other person can take individually, or that we can take together, or with the support of our community. 

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As soon as you concern yourself with the 'good' and 'bad' of your fellows, you create an opening in your heart for maliciousness to enter. Testing, competing with, and criticizing others weaken and defeat you.

  ~ Morihei Ueshiba, Founder of Aikido

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At Communication Dojo we aim to create community environments for the study and practice of Nonviolent Communication. We also believe, and know from our own lived experience, that to really integrate what Nonviolent Communication has to offer requires self-connection in between classes or group practice sessions.

 

Many people have told me that they are much more able to practice self-connection when they have the support of others who are engaged in the same practice.  This summer brings us the first Communication Dojo "Self-Connection Challenge" - an opportunity for us to support you in building a self-connection practice, not just during Communication Dojo classes or practice sessions, but on a daily basis. ​

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It can start with no more time than you might spend brushing your teeth. 2 minutes of self-connection, twice a day, is already be a powerful alternative to circular thinking and running imaginary arguments in your head.

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With our support and the support of like-minded community, you might develop this practice so that it becomes the new normal in your life. Self-connection between conversations leads to a greater capacity for self-connection, and compassion, and assertiveness without aggression, during conversations that might previously have turned to fights.

 

Self-connection practice helps us grow the capacity to learn and grow from challenges, and to orient toward solutions that honor our own needs and the needs of those we're in contact with - to enrich and support life!

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To support your duty we're inviting you to commit to our Summer Self-Connection Challenge for 21 days in August. 

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We'll get the ball rolling with a 2-hour learning, practice and community-building live online session on July 31st, 6:30pm to 8:30pm Pacific.

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We'll meet again on each of the following three Wednesdays (August 7th, 14th, 21st, 6:30pm to 8:30pm Pacific) for more live online sessions. The whole group portions of these sessions will be recorded so you can use them to catch up if you miss a session, or revisit them at your leisure until Feb 3rd 2025.

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And, perhaps even more importantly, we'll support your practice between sessions using:

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• Daily group email and short video to support your self-connection practice throughout the challenge.

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• Online community & resource area, including recordings of presentations, demonstrations and Q&A from our live sessions.

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• Support with finding and organizing practice with a practice partner, for those who would like community support with their practice.

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• Tools for keeping track of your practice and turning it into life-serving action

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• Pre-recorded materials that give more examples various alternative approaches to self-connection 

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